Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work

20. “That’s weird…”

19. “It’s never done that before.”

18. “It worked yesterday.”

17. “How is that possible?”

16. “It must be a hardware problem.”

15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”

14. “There is something wrong in your data.”

13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”

12. “You must have the wrong version.”

11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”

10. “I can’t test everything!”

9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”

8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”

7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”

6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”

5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it work?

4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”

3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”

2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don’t work:

1. “It works on my machine.”

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Funny Side Up

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Gilbert’s Discovery:
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
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Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
— Oscar Wilde
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If you can’t read this, blame a teacher.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
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Hildebrant’s Principle:
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
— Robert Benchley
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Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Engineer’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime. 11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Computer Scientist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime…
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An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
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Q:      How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:      Seemed logical — I didn’t have any real intelligence.
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Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
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Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
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A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
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We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
— Niels Bohr
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The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
— Will Rogers
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It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.
— Ronald Knox, “Let Dons Delight”
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High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
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Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can’t be run away from.
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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage.
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Lawyer’s Rule:
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
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If it happens once, it’s a bug.
If it happens twice, it’s a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it’s a design philosophy.
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I’ve always felt sorry for people that don’t drink — remember,
when they wake up, that’s as good as they’re gonna feel all day!
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He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
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Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the end of the canyon.  Someone’s bound to hear us by then!”
So he leans over the basket and screams out, “Helllloooooo!  Where are we?”  (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: “Helllloooooo!
You’re lost!”
The shouter comments, “That must have been a mathematician.”
Puzzled, his friend asks, “Why do you say that?”
“For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless.”
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You will always find something in the last place you look.
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Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
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If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
— Pope John Paul I
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The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever … and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
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The story of dog, donkey and washerman

Young boy with Sicilian donkey and dog

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.

One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.

The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn’t bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story ” One must not engage in duties other than his own”
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Now take a new look at the same story…

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute.

He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.

He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.

Looking at the donkey’s extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.

The dog’s life didn’t change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a ” meets requirement” Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as “star performer”. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…

If you have worked in a corporate environment, I am sure you have guessed the characters of the new story.