Funny Side Up

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Gilbert’s Discovery:
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
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Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
— Oscar Wilde
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If you can’t read this, blame a teacher.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
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Hildebrant’s Principle:
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
— Robert Benchley
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Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Engineer’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime. 11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Computer Scientist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime…
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An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
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Q:      How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:      Seemed logical — I didn’t have any real intelligence.
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Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
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Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
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A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
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We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
— Niels Bohr
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The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
— Will Rogers
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It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.
— Ronald Knox, “Let Dons Delight”
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High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
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Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can’t be run away from.
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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage.
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Lawyer’s Rule:
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
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If it happens once, it’s a bug.
If it happens twice, it’s a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it’s a design philosophy.
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I’ve always felt sorry for people that don’t drink — remember,
when they wake up, that’s as good as they’re gonna feel all day!
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He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
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Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the end of the canyon.  Someone’s bound to hear us by then!”
So he leans over the basket and screams out, “Helllloooooo!  Where are we?”  (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: “Helllloooooo!
You’re lost!”
The shouter comments, “That must have been a mathematician.”
Puzzled, his friend asks, “Why do you say that?”
“For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless.”
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You will always find something in the last place you look.
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Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
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If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
— Pope John Paul I
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The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever … and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
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Hair Cut!!

Women’s version:

Woman 2: Oh   You got a haircut That’s so cute
Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no-  No, it’s perfect.  I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh – that’s funny-  I would love to have your neck. Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version


Man2:   Haircut?
Man1:   Yeah.

His and Her Diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where Somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don’t know what to do, I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today INDIA lost match. Bad Luck…