Funny Side Up

Gilbert’s Discovery:
Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
— Oscar Wilde
If you can’t read this, blame a teacher.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
Hildebrant’s Principle:
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
— Robert Benchley
Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  By induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is experimental error.  11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Engineer’s Proof:
3 is prime.  5 is prime.  7 is prime.  9 is prime. 11 is prime.  13 is prime …
Computer Scientist’s Proof:
3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime.  3 is prime…
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
Q:      How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:      Seemed logical — I didn’t have any real intelligence.
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
— Niels Bohr
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
— Will Rogers
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.
— Ronald Knox, “Let Dons Delight”
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can’t be run away from.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage.
Lawyer’s Rule:
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
If it happens once, it’s a bug.
If it happens twice, it’s a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it’s a design philosophy.
I’ve always felt sorry for people that don’t drink — remember,
when they wake up, that’s as good as they’re gonna feel all day!
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the end of the canyon.  Someone’s bound to hear us by then!”
So he leans over the basket and screams out, “Helllloooooo!  Where are we?”  (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: “Helllloooooo!
You’re lost!”
The shouter comments, “That must have been a mathematician.”
Puzzled, his friend asks, “Why do you say that?”
“For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless.”
You will always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing lasts forever.
Where do I find nothing?
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
— Pope John Paul I
The marvels of today’s modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever … and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.


Unquotable quotes

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”

-Pierre Pachet,Professor of Physiology at Toulouse,1872.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”

-Bill Gates,1981

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”

-Ken Olson,president,chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk.”

-H.M.Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”

-Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”

-Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”

-Irving Fisher,Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”

-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

“But what … is it good for?”

-Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Divison of IBM,1968,commenting on the microchip.

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”

-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”

-Western Union internal memo,1876.

“I think there is a world market of maybe five computers.”

-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM,1943.

“Correctly English in 100 Days”

-Title from an East Asian book for beginning English speakers.

“India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here,and they drink and they eat,and they drink and die;and then they write home to the their parents a pack of lies,and say it’s the climate that has killed them.”

– Sir Collin Campbell, British officer charged by British War Department to report on morale problems with the British Army in India.

“It is curious to observe the various substitutes for paper before its invention.”

-Isaac D’Israeli, noted author.

“You’re partly one hundred percent right.”

-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.

“I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them for five years.”

-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

-attributed to Senator S.I.Hayakawa

“I usually take a two     -hour nap, from one o’clock to four.”

-Yogi Berra.

“I didn’t inhale.”

-Bill Clinton, as Democratic presidential candidate, answering rumors that he had smoked marijuana.

“I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?

-Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.

“Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught fighting liars in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain.”

-Rev. William A. Spooner telling a student to leave his class for nonattendance and lighting fires; his classic spoonerism

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”

-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.

“The bombs are aimed exclusively at military targets….Unfortunately there are some civilians around these targets.”

-Dwight D. Eisenhower,standing up for the way the United States was handling bombing in North Vietnam.

“Don’t talk to me while I’m interrupting.”

-director Michael Curtiz.

“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

-Yogi Berra.

“I love sports. Whenever I can I always watch the Detriot Tigers on radio.”

-President Gerald Ford.

“The time is here, and is rapidly approaching.”

-William Field, Member of Parliament.

Tom Seaver: “What time is it?”

Yogi Berra: “You mean now?”

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

-ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as initially translated in to Chinese.

“It gets late early out there.”

-Yogi Berra.

“Brooks Robinson is not a fast man, but his arms and legs move very quickly.”

-Curt Gowd, network sports announcer

“Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.”

-congressman durng a heated congressional debate.

“It was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it.”

-an American officer in Vietnam in a 1968 report on the razing of Vietnamese village Ben Tre.

Members and Non     -Members Only.

-sign outside Mexico’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emperio.

“It’s dull from beginning to end. But it’s loaded with entertainment.”

– Michael Curtiz, Hollywood Director, on a musical.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass      – and I’m just the one to do it.”

-a congressional candidate in Texas, reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker .

“I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about.”

-Elliott Abrams, Assistant Secretary of State, clarifying himself before a 1987 congressional meeting.

“I introduce to you Reverend Father McFadden known all over the world, and other places besides.”

-introduction in Parliament, ninteenth century.

“I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact, gentlemen, the reverse is the case.”

-a chairman of the board of a prominent company defending his fellow directors.

“Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original.”

-a memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973.

“They gave me a standing observation.”

– ex     -Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson.

“You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”

-attributed to actor/director Gregory Ratoff.

“If at any time I change my address when I notify you I hope you will be so kind as to change also.”

-letter from a reader renewing his subscription, received by the business manager of Motor News.

“You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.”

-U. S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attache in Cambodia, complaining to reporters about their coverage of the Vietnam War.

Ticket, please

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

Hair Cut!!

Women’s version:

Woman 2: Oh   You got a haircut That’s so cute
Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no-  No, it’s perfect.  I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh – that’s funny-  I would love to have your neck. Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version

Man2:   Haircut?
Man1:   Yeah.

Future Movies in IT world

* Mera hardisk tumhare paas hai
* Aao chat kare
* Programmer no 1
* Aaj ka body shopper
* Programmer,recruiter aur bodyshoper
* Badalate platforms
* Kahani Keyboard ki
* Memory aur hard disk
* H1 ko aane do
* Mouse ka gulam
* Java wale job le jayenge
* Skill apana apana
* Hum aapke meomory mein rahate hain
* Do pocessor barah terminal
* Password Apana Apana
* Hum Hai Programmer Oracle ke
* Ek programmer do body shopper
* H1 se Citizenship tak
* Mera code chal gaya
* Har Din jo mail Karega
* Mera Resume Kora kagaj
* Khel Virus ka
* Virus Aur Antivirus Programmer bane Bodyshopper
* Network Ke Ush Paar Billing aur Salary
* Platform platform ki baat hai
* Anjaana Bug
* Aayi Production Ki Bela
* Do Gateways
* Debugging koi Khel nahi
* Helpdesk ki Aatma (Ramasay brothers ki Horror film)
* Mera naam developer
* Kaho na Bench hai
* Crash kar di aaapne
* Mein backup lunga
* Pati patni aur computer
* Deployment ki raat
* Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam
* Dhai akshar HRD ke
* Jis Desh mein Bill(gates) rahata Hain
* Hum To US jaayega
* Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare
* Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!
* Dekhte Dekhte Connection mil Gaya
* Ish Bench ki subah kab hogi
* Client ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
* Tere Cube Ke saamne
* Login karo sajana
* Sapane Stock Option Ke
* Ek Thi vacancy
* Client ko milane de
* Interview ke Sapane
* Naukar PC ka
* Email dena sanam
* Mera Resume Mera Skill
* Hackers ke Site par Hacker
* Experience Bina H1
* Firewall( Diwar) Meri debugging
* Jis Desh mein Deshi kam karata hain

Be yourself…

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .

One is called George one is called Micheal .

They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an emirat of a mosque in the middle .

Micheal said to George : “Look let’s pretend we are muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call my self Mohammed.”

George refused to change his name , he said :” My name is george , and I will not pretend to be other than  but what I am . …George .”

The Immam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names .

Micheal said : “My name is Mohammed .”

George said : My name is George. ”

The Immam turned to the helpers of the mosque  and said :

” Please bring some food and water for George only .”

Then he turned to the other and said :

” Well Mohammed I hope you are  aware that we are still in the holy month of Rhamadan .”

Play Piano in youtube

Just wait till the video loads… and have fun playing piano 🙂